Interview with Connie Merasty

NICOLE MURDOCK: My name is Nicole Murdoch and I am interviewing Connie Merasty for the Two-Spirit Oral History project. Today is Friday, November Eleventh. I am currently in Winnipeg, Manitoba. Connie is in The Pas, Opaskwayak. Before we start Connie, I need to get your permission for the interview. Do you consent to being interviewed?

CONNIE MERASTY: Yes, I do.

NICOLE MURDOCK: Do you consent to have the interview audio recorded?

CONNIE MERASTY: I consent.

NICOLE MURDOCK: Beautiful. Thank you so much. I'm going to turn it over to you, Connie, would you please introduce yourself, and take it away!

CONNIE MERASTY: Okay. Hi everyone, my name is Connie Merasty, and I am from Opaskwayak, 00:01:00Cree Nation, where I was born and raised. I’m the eleventh of twelve children. I am Two-Spirit. My pronouns are she / her, and I work right now with Cree Nation Tribal Health Center here in The Pas, and I am the Program Coordinator for a Two-Spirit LGBTQIA+ program that we run out of Cree Nation Tribal Health Centre. I'm also a board member of the Two-Spirits In Motion Society, which is a national advocacy group, which started about four years ago. -- I've been on that board, I'm the Treasurer for that board, and so we're doing a lot of good work with that, -- running a lot of great Two-Spirit programs out of that Two-Spirits In Motion Society. So, I've been on that board now, yeah, about -- three years, yeah, 00:02:00right at the beginning of the Covid -- outbreak, right? Before that, we were in Toronto, we all met and then Covid happened, so we never saw each other again for another two years after that. It was really, really surprising what happened. But, I'm fifty-four years old. I speak my language, I speak the Cree language, Swampy Cree is my dialect. -- I practice all the ceremonies, all the traditional ceremonies, -- that's how I've been learning for the past thirty years, all the traditional ceremonies that we have, and my family also runs a sun dance and we run sweat lodges for the community. So that's something that I work very hard at, and so, yeah, I do a lot of volunteer work as much as I can help out with anything that in regards to Two-Spirit history, 00:03:00Two-Spirit events around the country.

NICOLE MURDOCK: Thank you for sharing, Connie. Can you tell me a little bit about how this work that you're doing, currently, ties in to your identity?

CONNIE MERASTY: A lot of -- what drives me, what motivates me, a lot of what happens -- came out of a need for myself to -- find out who I was as a Two-Spirit person. And I struggled very, very, a very long time with that and I had a very rough road early in my life because I didn't know who I was, and I didn't know how to connect to my culture, to my history, to my— Did we exist at any point -- in our culture 00:04:00and in our -- native life, and so, I lived a pretty rough life. But -- I wanted to connect, -- and I wanted -- to learn about myself, but I'll learn about friends that I had met also and I was very young going in, I was about sixteen when I started venturing out trying to figure out -- what makes my— What do I want out of my life. And it was so interesting, I remember in my early twenties, living the life that I did -- I really struggled and -- something always told me, “You're not going to see thirty, you're not going to see thirty.” Because at the time that I came out, AIDS came out at the same time into the community and people were already dying of it, when I came out into the community, into the Two-Spirit community. 00:05:00And so for me, it was really interesting, because a really interesting time, but also was, “Are you going to survive this epidemic?” That was always a constant worry of mine. -- I had this idea in my head that I would never live to see thirty because of the life, the lifestyle that I had lived up to that point, and here I am at fifty-four and I'm just like, “Holy Moly, like, how did this happen?” But it was always really -- about me wanting a good life, wanting a healthy life, wanting to be productive, and helpful to people. I think that was always -- my motivation, was to help people. And it still is today.

NICOLE MURDOCK: Thank you. You mentioned that the age of sixteen 00:06:00was when you started to really venture out, you said. Can you tell, can you share a little bit about what it was like for you as a young Two-Spirit person before that time, before the age of sixteen?

CONNIE MERASTY: It was really, a really difficult time, because I was in high school— I was in junior high, and it was junior high where it really started, because you know how— Well, you probably know this, but I’ll tell you, but -- in my community, there was nobody that was outwardly gay. So, for me to be out and gay at that time, which I wasn't, people outed me, right? People outed me all the time and— But of course that, living on a small reserve, also that brought a lot of hardship, a lot of abuse -- from the community and 00:07:00so it was really like, I remember when I was like fifteen, fourteen, fifteen, I had a nervous breakdown and I knew -- that my mind was going because I was under so much pressure. I was so under so much stress, I was under so much, -- like there's so much pressure to conform. But I -- can you hold on a second, my tea—

But I never did, I never did, I never conformed to what people wanted me to be. I could not fit in a box, and that's what they wanted to do, -- and there was a lot of abuse, a lot of abuse. I grew up in an alcoholic family. Both parents actively alcoholic, a lot of -- I suffered -- sexual abuse as a child in that environment 00:08:00and— But also, not having, what I remember was, not having a role model, not having somebody in the community to show me a good way of life. A good way of living. I didn't have that, and that was something that I really lacked in my life was -- somebody to help -- guide the way for me, but I was lucky, in a sense, because I met older gay guys that I could hang out with that we could relate to each other about being gay, right? And so, in this time, in this like fourteen, fifteen-year-old, I had a nervous breakdown and I knew it was a nervous breakdown, when I look back on it now, because of all the stress I was under to be straight, right? -- 00:09:00I was sleeping at my house—where my parents lived, and my brother, me and my brother lived—then I was sleeping and somebody told me -- when I was sleeping, they said, “You have to leave here or you're going to die here,” but I don't know who told me that. Whoever told me that, I don't remember, I don't recall, but that was the choice that I had to make -- at fifteen, sixteen, was leave. “Leave here or you're going to die. That's it. You don't have any options.” And so, I listened to that voice, that voice that told me, “You need to get out. Get out of town,” basically, because I wasn't going to survive, I was going do myself in. And, so in that time, I was very confused, a lot of pain, a lot of suffering, a lot of abuse from my peers, and so I needed to leave, I needed to be out of there. 00:10:00NICOLE MURDOCK: Is there a place that you found, and you did speak to this a little bit earlier, but where did you find a place for yourself, a community, as a Two-Spirit person?

CONNIE MERASTY: I moved to Winnipeg and started hanging out in the city, and running the streets and being a wild child, but I started running— They had a bar called Giovanni's. Giovanni's Room is what it was called and I always remember, I was always amazed, because when they took me there, there was a sign, it said The Winnipeg Gay Center and I thought “Oh my god, this is just like heaven.” You know? [Coughs] And, what I thought was, “Maybe this is where I need to be,” right, and I was very, very lucky, like in hindsight, I was lucky because I could 00:11:00talk, I could speak, I could learn, I could read, I could do stuff to help myself, I could do all these things. I was capable of it, right, so I was smart, so I could read, right? I remember in Giovanni's Room when they moved to Broadway, you know they, in Winnipeg, they have their Rainbow Resource Centre, now? That Rainbow Resource Centre, that was in the back of the bar in an office. -- They had books there and bookshelves and they had little books there and stuff and so when the bar was open during the day I would go in there and I would go into, and they called it the Oscar Wilde Memorial Library, that's what they called it, and that turned into the Rainbow Resource Centre. But, it was just a room and that's where Chris Vogel hung out, and – he, you know, did his -- human rights work there out of that little office in the back of this room on six-sixteen Broadway Avenue. What that did for me was that, 00:12:00because I could read, everything was in there that I could read about that, that I could read about being gay, and -- you know, and read stories about people being gay, right? There were never any happy stories, but who cares, as long as it was gay characters, right? I didn't care and so from there I was fortunate because -- I was outgoing. I wasn't shy to talk to people, so in that sense that started the ball rolling with me, meeting people and meeting the people that would become very influential in my life in the future.

NICOLE MURDOCK: That connection between, not just like a physical space where you could go but also the access to information that you had in that space as well, is very interesting to me. 00:13:00Were there any other meaningful connections that were made for you during this time? Is there anything that stood out as important in your journey in this time as well?

CONNIE MERASTY: I remember meeting up with -- what's his name -- Glen Murray, and I had met a woman named Myra Laramee, and these are really, two really interesting people, because Glen Murray would eventually go on to be the Mayor of Winnipeg. The first openly gay mayor in Canada -- of a city, right? They were doing a youth group— But at this time, -- we knew people, like I knew -- David Walker, Paulete Pahpasay, Robert Wapash. So, these are three guys, three young men, 00:14:00and they'll commit suicide, all three of them. So, what they invited us to was, let us have a sharing circle and Glen Murray, Myra, and them, they invited us to come and have a sharing circle. They gave us food and you know something to eat and -- we went to the sharing circle and we talked about those suicides, but out of that came that -- we rallied together, the Two-Spirit community rallied together, and they created a group called the Nichiwakan Native Gay Society in Winnipeg, they created that. And I was part of that, but it was like a -- just a ragtag bunch of young native people that wanted to find fellowship, that wanted to have a friend, have a support system in place. Whatever. -- I remember that whole time, it was so interesting how fast 00:15:00everything was moving -- and we were being invited and we were just young. We're just young at this point, but we were being invited to these events and -- you felt like “I'm not alone anymore.” I have these people that I could go to and talk to. So, that was really pivotal for me, at that time.

NICOLE MURDOCK: What does that, or does that, sense of community that you experienced at this young pivotal time in your life, does that community translate and show up in your life today, as well?

CONNIE MERASTY: Very much so -- it's really interesting now, because when we were young -- we struggled, we did stuff, but we were really creative, and we managed to survive our youth, 00:16:00which was really interesting, but at the same time, everything was happening in our lives, right? People were dying of AIDS, people were -- dying because they were on the streets too long, addictions, you know, but for me, being young, -- I didn't really think in terms of, “I should do something for my community. I should do that.” You know, “I should work at this.” But a lot of opportunities came along in my life, and this is really something because this would not have, any of this would not have happened if people hadn't directed me that way. Like, I've had so many careers in my life, but there were all things that I enjoyed doing and I wanted to learn about. -- But now I'm older, I'm semi-sort of established in my life and I work 00:17:00and I have a career, and I have friends, I have a community, but the thing is that now I work for the youth to create a path for them, a healthy path, a guiding path.

For me, -- it’s turned around three-sixty, it's come around three-sixty, because I got the help that I needed from other people that were there and now I'm able to facilitate and help other young people coming out of the closet, and needing the direction and providing that role model for them, right? And so that's very, very important for me and so, when the opportunity presents itself for me to speak about being Two-Spirit and in the community anywhere, anywhere, anywhere in Canada, anywhere in the world, I'll do it, because I want our youth to have an easier time than we did, because I could probably count on my one hand 00:18:00how many friends I have from that— So many are gone, long gone. My peers are gone. They’re gone, there's nobody around. -- They paved the road for the youth coming up now, you know, that they have safe places to be at, there's programs that run that are -- paid to Two-Spirit LGBTQ people now in the cities. But the thing was is that these were all the people that passed on that paved that way for them -- to receive the help the support and services that they receive now. -- For that, I'm grateful, but it's really become my mission now in my life to help and guide the youth -- in a good, safe way, where they don't get hurt. 00:19:00NICOLE MURDOCK: Are there changes that you've seen happen between your experience as a youth in comparison to the experiences of Two-Spirit youth today? Do you see changes having been made? Do you see a lot of the same issues? What if you would maybe compare and contrast some of the things that come up for yourself as a Two-Spirit -- person or Two-Spirit youth today. Where do you see things right now?

CONNIE MERASTY: Well, it's very, very much different from ours, because you know -- any correspondence we had, we had to mail stuff all the time. If I wanted to, you know, talk to somebody in say Minneapolis, I would have to write them a letter and say, “Oh, you know, this is what I am thinking, we need to do, get together and do blah, blah, blah.” [Cough] So it took a lot of time 00:20:00for us to start that, trying to -- gather, trying to communicate with a larger community, right? And now with the advent of, you know the internet and being online and all the places you could be online and all the resources available online, you know, the whole— Like we have trans women in this community, in my community, now, that work and live openly in the community. I was not even trans when I was a youngster and I was so abused and tortured from the community, and now that they -- live and work in the community and nobody bothers them. Nobody bothers them. They're wearing full-on makeup, they're, you know, they're guys, and they wear full-on makeup, and they're trans, and that's how they identify. –

A couple of years ago, our 00:21:00Chief at Council supported our decision to have a Pride Flag-raising for the month of June and the Chief and Council came out to raise the flag with us and, oh my god, like you know thirty-five years later they, oh my god, like how did this happen, right? But just the changes are incredible. We're having Pride parades here now, and people are coming out to support us and it's just amazing. -- This Sunday, they're going to have a craft day over at the Friendship Centre just below me, actually below my apartment, there’s an office space there, they’re going to have a craft day there for the Two-Spirit community and the LGBTQ community. So, I want to hang out and do that on Sunday. It's just wonderful to see, and -- they did a rainbow crosswalk 00:22:00here in The Pas, they painted that and just to see all those changes, just see, like my god, people are so open and welcoming to the community, you know, and that would never have happened when I came out. Never! You know, people left and never came back. I struggled with that, I struggled with that for a very long time, but I thought, “I want to, I want to see my family. I'm lonely. I really want to see my family and I'm really lonely.” So, I decided, you know, in 2016, 2017, to come back to Opaskwayak.

NICOLE MURDOCK: You kind of began to touch on what my next question to you was, -- what brought you back to this place that you left, that you felt like you, as you said, couldn't survive in. 00:23:00Twenty-sixteen, what brought you back?

CONNIE MERASTY: Like I said, our family runs sweats, ceremonies, does pipe ceremonies, all the stuff with the community, right? And as a family, we're all learning those ceremonies and we're doing those ceremonies together. -- I wanted to learn more, I want to get more and more involved in those ceremonies, but the thing was, -- I wasn't finding them in the city. They were hard to access. People were kind of -- gatekeeping ceremonies. And I just thought, “My family is doing this.” You know in Opaskwayak. “I should just go there and do—” Because I came back a lot during -- the 2000s. After 2000, I came back a lot just to do ceremony and just thought, “I may as well just go live there, 00:24:00because I want to do these ceremonies, anyways.” So, I wasn't finding a lot of support in the city and I -- really wanted to learn the ceremonies. I wanted to learn about healing and all that good stuff, so that would really prompt my change that I really want to spend time with my family. And also, I'm getting older, like I really can’t run around the city anymore, you know. -- It’s for young people, I mean, it's not for older people. Yeah, so it was family and ceremonies that really brought me home.

NICOLE MURDOCK:

How has having access to, and being immersed in ceremonies, more cultural aspects of your identity, how has that played a role in 00:25:00who you are as a Two-Spirit person?

CONNIE MERASTY: I think it had everything to do with it. It's really odd, like, what I find odd about my life was that I wanted other people to experience what I was experiencing in my life, but nobody did, nobody understood, like -- all the visions I had, all the things I was being shown -- throughout my life. And I thought, “You guys, because you're Two-Spirit, you guys must also be having the same experience.” And they said, “No, I don’t know, nope! Never saw that. Nope.” I said, “You know, like, do you know what a pipe is like?” “Well, you know, crack pipes and all that, yeah, but—” I said, “No, like a smoking pipe,” and they said, “No, I never ever saw one, I don't know what that is.” -- But all these things were being shown to me, and I was like, “Okay, I’m going to have to figure all of this out.” – 00:26:00The thing for me, I think that I already kind of had an inkling of -- our ceremonies, I kind of had a interest in them. I kind of was drawn to them already before my friends were, right? I have friends now that are -- in the culture and learning about the culture and doing all the ceremonies also, but— I've been at it a long time and – for me, it works for me. It guides me. It protects me. It's just a part of my life. [Brief pause.]

I don't think I could have managed in my life if I didn't have ceremony. And it was really interesting -- in 2000 -- my friend, my friend was dying, 00:27:00and I was in the Saskatoon hospital with my friend Dionne, -- her name was Dionne Sunshine. She was a trans woman that worked the streets in Winnipeg and she was thirty years-old [coughs] when she passed, but she phoned me in Winnipeg and she said, “Connie, can you come and see me in Saskatoon? I'm in the I.C.U.” And I said, “Okay, I'll find a way.” And we left in this snowstorm, this brutal snowstorm. We drove from Winnipeg to Saskatoon. We drove to Regina and then to Saskatoon, all night we drove, we got to Saskatoon about six in the morning. -- She was sick [coughs] and I remember going to see her in the I.C.U. at six o'clock in the morning and she was -- hooked up to all these machines, and -- she woke up and she looked at me and she said, “Connie, boy it's good to see you.” I said, “It’s good to see you, too.” You know, and I'm trying to be upbeat, but at this point I'm really, really 00:28:00scared and that's what she said she says, “Connie,” she says, “I'm scared.” And I said, “Well, you know what?” I said, “I'm scared, too, but you know what, it's going to be all okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, -- you know, relax. Get yourself together, here.” I said, “Relax, it'll be okay.”

In that moment, -- when we were telling each other that we were scared, I thought in my mind, “Somebody will come here and they'll help us.” And what I realized at that moment, too, was, “You're the one that's going to help -- this woman, you're the one that's going to help this woman. This is, this is you, Connie, this is it. There's nothing or nowhere you can go or look to or— You're it. This is your show and it's going to go the way you—" You know? 00:29:00That's when I really relied on prayer, on communion with God, with Creator, was, “Help us figure something out. Help us do something.” -- That was that connection I made with God, with Creator, was, “Help me, because I'm scared, and I don't know how to help my friend.” My mom's not there. My dad's not there. My brothers, nobody— That's me and him in a -- intensive care unit. And so, I'm looking for someone like, “Somebody has to be here to, you know, come and help us,” and there was nobody, and so that was, I think for me, that was the moment where I realized, “This is your work. This is what you've been given, Connie, as hard as this is, you’ve got to do this.” And so, at that point, too, I also made that connection that I would have to help people with that process of dying, 00:30:00with that process of leaving this earth, that transfer -- from this life to another life, right? -- That became— Lots of stuff became very apparent to me in that time, and it was scary, and -- looking back on it, I thought, “Holy moly!” Like, how did I— I was so scared for my friend, and I -- wanted to cry, I wanted to run out of there, I wanted, you know, but I stayed there, I stayed there for four days with her, in that I.C.U., and I asked for elders to be brought to the hospital. All this stuff— [Cough] I thought, “How could this happen? How did this happen to me? How did I—” You know, it just kind of fell into, -- everything fell into place, and so you know, being spiritual, being part of ceremony and teaching ceremony and all that, it's really about 00:31:00-- I guess it's what guides me in my life. You know and it makes me do the right thing all the time. I don't question it anymore. And I wish more people, I wish more people [cough] were learning the ceremonies, but that's just the way it is right? People will learn in their own time. But it took me like thirty years to figure that out, that, you know, “You're on your own, man, and you got to figure this out there. No-one going to come to save you, you got to do it.” You know, “You got to be the adult, here.” So yeah.

NICOLE MURDOCK: I'm just thinking about some of your comments here on what you've said about ceremony and not really being able to find it or have access to it in the city but also trusting people 00:32:00to, you know, find it in their own time, as you said. Do you feel like there's anything more to be done or not with access to ceremony or having young people finding ceremony? How do you think that that, or does it, tie in -- for young Two-Spirit people today?

CONNIE MERASTY: I think they have more access to it, like they're very lucky in that sense, because the younger, you know, like every year we have a Two-Spirit gathering somewhere on Turtle Island, somewhere on Turtle Island we have a Two-Spirit gathering. So, youth are always invited to that. We had one in 2018, we had -- a Two-Spirit gathering in Winnipeg, in Beausejour, Manitoba, and C.F.S. brought these Two-Spirit youth and they, oh my god, they kept us so— 00:33:00laughing and they were so cute. They were so funny, those kids, they were just crazy, just nuts, -- but their energy was so fun. -- But again, too, that Two-Spirit gathering incorporates sweat lodges, it incorporates ceremonies and pipes, and all that stuff, eh, so people are, you know, sharing circles— Youth are being introduced to it at a very early age, whereas for me, it wasn't, I actually had to actually seek it out, right, to go find it myself -- and the other thing was -- at the time, too, when I was looking, there was not a lot of Two-Spirit sweat lodges. There wasn’t a lot of Two-Spirit elders. There wasn’t a lot of Two-Spirit ceremonies. So, the thing is that we were always having to create our own spaces. I've been out, you know, being Two-Spirit, I've been out there for thirty-five years now, and 00:34:00it's so changed because the youth now have so much access to so many things online and they have access to ceremonies. So, there is a need for it, but the thing is that more people are aware of it and more people are—especially the Two-Spirit people—are being invited to these places, now, of healing, they're being invited, they're being welcomed there, you know, and a lot of -- elders I've seen over the years, they've really tried to learn on their own time what being Two-Spirit means to them -- so that's a real good thing that happens for them.

NICOLE MURDOCK: What does being Two-Spirit, what does that -- mean for you? 00:35:00CONNIE MERASTY: It means that -- I'm gifted, it means -- that I can be a teacher, it means that I'm a shapeshifter. I'm not stuck to one thing. I can do all kinds of things that I want to do. I'm not limited -- by who I am as a Two-Spirit person. When I speak of our people, our Two-Spirit people, I speak of them as holy people. And I don't know why that always comes to me, but that— I don't know, but when I speak of them, I speak of them, kind of like, well, that's how I relate to them, is the holy people, but they must have been at some time historically, they must have -- been our holy people in our tribes. I think they held very, very, very important roles 00:36:00in ceremonies and in healing and in the communities, I think they were revered, and I tell people now, I tell people now, that if you have a Two-Spirit person born into your family, that family has been truly blessed by Creator, because those Two-Spirit people don't come very often into a family. It's very rare that they come into a family, so when Creator blesses a family with a Two-Spirit person, my goodness, they were really, really truly blessed to have that child, because -- the way I think about it is, it's so rare to find that a Two-Spirit person, and that was what this elder said to me, she said to me, she said, “All this time I talked to you,” she said, “I thought you were a woman.” And she said, “Because, that's the spirit that's with you, is, it's a woman. It's not—” 00:37:00And I said, “Yeah,” I said, “I knew that. I knew that.” And she said, “You are truly what you say you are.” She said, “You're a Two-Spirit woman. That's what you are.” And I was like, “Yeah, I know that.” So, how do I know that, like I know that through my visions, through my dreams, through what I'm told, you know, when I'm sleeping, in my sleep time. -- So, for me, it was really affirming to speak with that really knowledgeable elder. She said that to me, she said, “You truly are what you say you are. We can’t, nobody can deny that.” And there are people in the ceremonies that will openly try to deny me that and I go, “No, nope, you're not changing that for me. No way. No way in Hell. Nope, nope, you're never going to change that view for me of who I am, because you're not me and you never will be me.” 00:38:00NICOLE MURDOCK: Has that understanding of yourself as a Two-Spirit person, has that evolved over time, did it exist always, was it something that you always knew? How did it, how has it changed, if it has at all, over the course of your life?

CONNIE MERASTY: Like I said, when I was younger, I was really, really disconnected from my culture. I was really disconnected from my family. I was disconnected from my community. -- I wasn't very, let's see what's the word, I wasn't very, very -- centered in my life. I did a lot of things wrong, made a lot of mistakes, trying to figure out this Two-Spirit stuff, right? 00:39:00But it's become in the last, yeah, I'd say the last twenty years, it's become really apparent to me what my job is, what I need to be doing, and that elder told me, she said, “You know,” she said, “You going to be seen all over the world. People are going to see you all over the world now.” “Holy— Really?” And they have seen me all over the world. A friend of mine who's a singer, here in Manitoba, she went to Australia and somebody asked her in Australia, “Do you know who Connie is? Connie Merasty?” And she said, “Yeah,” she said, “I grew up with him!” And I was like, Holy Moly— When she got back, she told me somebody had asked her that in Australia, [laughs] of all places. But in my -- last twenty years, I've become very, very certain about who I am and my role in my life, in this world, and I don't question it. The less I question it, 00:40:00the more gifts I’m given, the more guidance I’m given, because I'm open to it, you know, and I just try to stay out of my own way. And I do this work, because of my friends that passed away. They're not here. They're not here to talk. They're not here to tell their stories, but I can tell their stories for them, because I knew them and I loved them, and – in the time that they had here. But they're not, they've been murdered, they overdosed, they died of alcoholism, everything. So, I'm able to do that for them.

NICOLE MURDOCK: Is there anything that you would like to share about some of these -- pivotal relationships and people that you had in your life that you still carry with you?

CONNIE MERASTY: Well, my friend Dionne 00:41:00had— It was really strange, that was another really odd— There's a house in Winnipeg, now, they call it Sunshine House, and it runs a program out of there for Two-Spirit people, LGBTQ, called “Like That.” But, in that Sunshine House, I volunteered there when I lived in Winnipeg, I volunteered there, hung out there a lot. But when my friend Dionne was dying, she wanted to go see that house, because she knew it was for street people, and they took her there. And at the same time, they were looking for a name for that house, and they said, “Why don't we call it Sunshine House?” So, Dionne's life, -- because she spent her life on the street, -- she grew up on the streets, -- she went through the whole system: foster care, you know, juvie, juvenile lockup, then she went to provincial lockup, then she went to, 00:42:00you know, the big, big house. And then, she came out and she died, you know, and it was just like she lived a really, really, really hard life. And so, when I did that work with her, that work for her to leave the earth in a good way, -- she said, “Connie,” she said, “If anything happens to me, pray for me, I'm really scared, pray for me.” And I said, “Okay, I'll pray for you.” And I did, we had a pipe ceremony. When she passed away in 2000, we had a ceremony for her, and we had a pipe ceremony, and I prayed that she has a good journey to where she's going -- and that her suffering is done here on earth and she doesn't hurt anymore—

So, I was going to university at the time, in 2000, I was at University of Winnipeg, and I went home and [cough] after all this ceremony and all that, I went home and I went to bed. And I was getting up in the 00:43:00morning, and it's kind of that -- you know, you're kind of waking up, but you're not really up, still kind of sleeping, like half-asleep, and somebody went over my head, really softly with their hand and they whispered my name, “Connie.” And I thought, “Did I, did I just feel that?” -- Somebody's hand really went lightly over my head like this? [coughs] So, that morning before I went to school, I went to see that elder I was talking about -- and I said, “Who was that, that did that to me?” And she said, “That was your friend that you did the pipe ceremony for.” And this elder had sight, and what is sight? Sight is, she can look into your— She can look into your life. She can look into your life. That's what she could do. And she said, “I had to ask them to not show me anything about your friend's life, 00:44:00because it was so horrible what happened to him in his life, in his life here. She said, “I have to stop them and say, “Don't, don't, don't show me anymore of this person's life. It's too hard for me to see.”” -- What my friend experienced in his lifetime. So, it's people like that that inspired me. But that whole experience, that whole spiritual experience was so amazing, I was just like, “Wow, is that ever cool,” you know. So, for me, that's always a reward, -- that I can go and pray, I can sit with my ancestors and say, “Oh, well you know, we're going to do this for our friend.” –

I do an annual event with my family, and I do a feast for the dead, about all the Two-Spirit people that have passed on that I remember. I have my family—I write all their names down—and I have my family in that ceremony recite those names to me, and I pray, and I offer the food and the tobacco to them, to feed them, to say, “You people were 00:45:00not forgotten. I remember you.” Because lots of them were, and my sister tells me that, she says, “Your friends fear -- that nobody cared about them, that they were forgotten after they died. You have to put that food out for them.” And so, I do that annually, I do that to remember all the people. Even if nobody remember them, I remember them, because I met them and I knew them and I thought they were really wonderful people for the time that they were here. So, -- it's really interesting that we're doing this on November eleventh, right, Remembrance Day, but -- that's another thing I think that drives me, is that hopefully they are not forgotten, hopefully with my work, they're not forgotten, because I talk about them in my workshops, I talk about them in interviews, I talk about them everywhere I can possibly, in ceremony I talk about them. So, my work doesn't, it doesn't stop, but also, it's very, very fulfilling spiritually, 00:46:00you know, and emotionally for me and it's part of my grieving process, also, right?

NICOLE MURDOCK: Why— Or what do you feel, -- is there an importance to carrying on the memory of those who have passed before us. What is— Why do we do that? Why do you do that? What is -- significant about bringing them with you and carrying them with you now?

CONNIE MERASTY: I think because, you know, we want to create a legacy in our lives, eh, and all their lives were cut short, and they never got to say their piece to the world. They never got to say their piece to the family. They never got to say their piece to the community. And when I speak 00:47:00on their behalf, when I speak on their behalf, I'm getting to carry that forward for them, because their lives were so short they didn't even have time to fall in love. They didn't have time to have a partner, they died so fast and so young. So, if I remember them, and if I carry them forward, it's kind of like me -- paying homage or paying respect to the ones that’ve passed on. -- But I believe in my heart and my soul that they carry me also, that they support the work that I do, and they guide me.

NICOLE MURDOCK: What does that, what does that feeling of safety and comfort and health and well-being, what does that mean for you? Is that something that you feel is important, 00:48:00whether it's a Two-Spirit journey for yourself and for those around you?

CONNIE MERASTY: That's -- why I do the work that I do, is because I want our Two-Spirit youth, coming up behind us, I want them to have a healthy life. I want them to have healthy options of their life. I don't want them to be using drugs. I don't want them to be drinking. I don't want them to be on the street. There's lots and lots of supports available, now, but they would never have happened if we didn't lobby for them, if we didn't advocate in the past for them. You know recently -- the Assembly of First Nations created a Two-Spirit Council as part of their mandate at the Assembly of First Nations of Canada, that's -- six hundred and sixty-three First Nations. So, -- they accepted that request 00:49:00from the Two-Spirit people. We had gone about eight years ago, we went to talk to Perry Bellegarde, the National Chief at that time, and we requested that that they create a national Two-Spirit Council -- as part of their mandate and they did. This year, that RoseAnne Archibald [clears throat] passed it. So, in that, that's all about having a voice, being heard, being present, being in the moment, being noticed, being -- you know, included [coughs]. You feel healthy when you're included, you feel healthy when you're heard, you feel healthy when you're seen. You know, all those things, there's so many things that we can do to help our youth. And so, if we continue the work that we're doing, then the youth have a much better chance at being 00:50:00ten times better than we were. You know, in the work that we're doing. They have a better chance of it, and of course, people go through struggles in their lives, you know. I've had lots of negative setbacks in my life. [Brief pause]. My friend always says, “Just do the work, just do the work. Don't, don't, don't get -- distracted by everything, just do the work.” Which I do, I do get distracted, but my work is very, very important, doing my advocacy work for Two-Spirit people is very, very important to me. So, I just do the work that's in front of me, and I don't stop. Because if I don't do it, somebody else is going to come up behind me and do it [laughs]. But you know, I'm helping to create a healthier path for our youth. That's always by intent. 00:51:00NICOLE MURDOCK: I feel like this is something that you've spoken to throughout the interview. What stories or advice or things that you would like to share, -- what do you have for any younger or future generations of Two-Spirit youth that you would like to -- say or share?

CONNIE MERASTY: I think -- I would like the youth to know that there is a safer, healthier way to live, and not to be ashamed of who you are, never be ashamed of who you are, and never let anyone tell you that you have to be something that you're not, and believe in yourself, always believe that your ancestors are guiding you. Always believe that you have somebody 00:52:00with you in your time of struggles. There's a better life out there for everyone, and everyone is entitled to it, to a good life. Everyone is entitled to a good life. We use that phrase, miyo-pimâtisiwin, in the Cree language, which is living a good life, and I think we need to strive for that. There's a lot of things that that will knock us down but we just got to get up and keep plodding along. You know, I'll never be famous, I'll never be rich, I'll never, you know, all these things I'll never be in my life, but at least I did work that would encourage people to live a good life. And so, for me, the work that needs to be done will be done by the people that are coming up behind me, 00:53:00and that -- work needs to continue for generations to come. Because we're getting older, and we're not going to be here for very long. And so, for me -- I want our youth to be able to speak out openly about their lives, to speak out and advocate for each other and to take care of each other and to respect each other and to be kind to each other. That’s one thing we really lack in this world is kindness. Be kind and -- walk in a humble way in this world.

NICOLE MURDOCK: What might you say to the community, society, who is responsible for caring for Two-Spirit youth and generations to come? Do you have a broader message that you'd like to share to 00:54:00the community?

CONNIE MERASTY: I think -- for our larger community, I think for them to educate themselves as much as they can on Two-Spirit LGBTQIA issues, [coughs] concerns, relationships that they might have with that community. To be engaged with that community, to be open to discussion with that community, and never stop learning. Life should be about learning, but it should be lifelong learning, and never stop learning about people, and always be open to discussion about people's lives, you know, and people's different lives, because we're not all the same, none of us are the same. -- Most importantly would be education, for me, for people to get educated, 00:55:00and learn about Two-Spirit LGBTQ community, and what great people we are.

NICOLE MURDOCK: -- Is there anything that we haven't touched on yet, I know we've talked about your work, some of your upbringing, some of your relationships, your connection to culture and spirituality, is there anything that you'd like to add in in any of those areas or somewhere where maybe we haven't gone?

CONNIE MERASTY: Well, one of the things -- that's always interesting to me, and -- I know it's for the Two-Spirit LGBT community, but it's always amazed me how we create families in our communities. Because we're 00:56:00-- very often, -- we're rejected by our bio families, so in order for us to survive we create surrogate families, and it's really interesting now because [coughs] when we were young, eh, we used to frown upon -- the older gay people. We used to frown upon them because they were older, right. -- So now, I just came from a conference in Vancouver, the CBRC [Community-Based Research Centre] conference, and all the youth were there and I've met some of them in my travels over the years, but when I walked in the room everybody says, “Auntie, you're here” [laughs] and I just loved it. I just thought, “Oh my goodness, that's so cool to hear!” You know, and -- the thing is, is that, I have good relationships, I maintain good relationships with 00:57:00people that I meet and hang out with, and -- enjoy their company. You know, I really, really try hard to maintain those relationships. So, the fact that these young, young people are calling me auntie, you know, it's so interesting. I just like, that is so cool, man, you know, because -- I'm older, and I think back to us when we're that age, and we used to frown upon, you know that these gay men were older, these gay men who were older, and now we’re those people, right? – But I love that. I love that we create, you know, communities where we can call people moms and dads and you know, and aunties, you know, and so I really— That's something that's very unique, very, very important for us in our community, that relationship that we build with each other.

NICOLE MURDOCK: I 00:58:00love that the family that you choose, as you say, how else has that kind of chosen family or your role, in the Auntie role, how has that influenced your life and what are your experiences, there? I'd love to hear more about that.

CONNIE MERASTY: It’s— Especially me as a young person, I was always looking up at older people and thought they could guide me, they could help me, they could support me and stuff. When people call me Auntie, I have to take that as they're looking at me to role model their behavior of themselves. Also, I'm kind of like, what did they call us again, they called us, 00:59:00I'm kind of a moderator, I guess, of people's behavior. -- We need to carry ourselves a certain way in order for people to relate to us that way, you know, “I'm the bad Auntie that's going to put you in your place, you know, if you step out of line—" So, I take the role very seriously -- where I conduct myself accordingly with the youth, you know, -- but it really is an honour for people to call me that, now that I think about it because—

What's amazing about this journey is that I've made it this long, you know, that I'm still here and I'm still able to talk about this. I never thought that in my lifetime that that would happen, but I am, and I'm climbing into those years now, you know, becoming elderly, and so it's an interesting time, you know, but I'm grateful. Because 01:00:00my mama is a -- sixty-year-old man, right, that I grew up in the community with, you know, and he has supported me all my life, all my gay life, ever since coming out he has supported me and I met him right when I came out and he supported me since, and I still have friends from the time that I came out into the community. I still have friends around, that are still around and we, you know, stop in to each other's places once in awhile to chat and have tea or something. It's very, very important for me to maintain relationship with people. -- It's of utmost importance to me. And it always -- upsets me when relationships break down and they just can't be salvaged, right? It's going to happen and you don't want it to, but it's going to, and that's part of life. You know, the ebb-and-flow of life. 01:01:00NICOLE MURDOCK: In all of the roles that you are responsible for at this time in your life, in your job as Auntie, as in relationship with the people around you, how do you care for yourself? How do you take care of you? How does your community support you?

CONNIE MERASTY: Well, -- the big thing now is self-care, right, and so there's lots of things that I do. I walk, I love walks in nature, wintertime, summertime fall, doesn't matter, but really connecting with the earth. That's one thing I really enjoy doing. But a lot of it is self-care. When we sweat, my family’s having a sweat, when I head out there, right away, but my family's having a sweat today, but I don't even have to go be in the sweat, I could just go and help. But again, that's being on the land, 01:02:00helping with the ceremony, being a part of that ceremony, right? And being with my family. So that for me is very -- invigorating and it replenishes me. I went to a sweat two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, I went to a sweat, but I actually went in, right, and so I feel very, very clean, cleansed and I feel my prayers were heard— So, for me, it's always about cleaning my mind, body, and spirit and always letting those channels be open, you know, to the good word, to the good teachings about life. Self-care is very important for me. There's days where I'll go to work, I'll come home, and I won't do anything. I'll shut off my phone and I'll either sleep, eat, or watch T.V., or maybe all three, but anyways. But for me, that's just 01:03:00me time, right? I need that to re-energize, because sometimes, you know, life gets hairy and -- you need time away from people and so sometimes I do that, but— Meditation, smudging, ceremonies. If I go to a good hotel and they have like a whirlpool, I’d do that. I'd like to do a spa one day, I – can’t afford it all the time, but I'd like to do a spa day. Medicine, ceremony, sweats, being out on the land. – Maybe, I'll call up a friend and say, “You know? Let's go for tea.” So, I'll do that and so that's for me is part of -- healing for me, too, so we kind of get to air out some -- grievances in your inner life, troubles in your life, you get to air them out to somebody that can relate. So, yeah, 01:04:00lots of different ways I do self-care. [Brief pause] And it's very hard, it's very difficult to do self-care a lot because I'm a worrywart, by nature I'm a worrywart. So, I worry about everything and I really have to— “Connie, you're not going to be able to save everyone. You got to get out of that mindset, right?” And which I, I have to keep telling myself, “You're not going to save everyone.” I try.

NICOLE MURDOCK: Well again, I just wanted to invite you if there's anything else that we haven't touched on that that you would like to share. I would -- love to invite you to do that.

CONNIE MERASTY: Oh, 01:05:00I think we've covered everything I think I want to cover. I'm single, by the way [both laugh].

NICOLE MURDOCK: Beautiful. Critical piece to share, absolutely yes [both laugh]. Okay, well then, Connie I'm going to stop the recording here, but just before I do, I wanted to just once again say thank you, for joining us here, and for sharing your knowledge and your time and space for this project. Thank you. Very honored to be here with you today.

CONNIE MERASTY: You're welcome.

[End of Interview]